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“Before I Met Him” – Unhappy Marriage Post Goes Viral on Weibo

A post on Zhihu about an unhappy marriage has received millions of views.

Manya Koetse

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A social media post by a Chinese woman sharing her unhappiness in marriage has gone trending on Weibo. The post, which was originally posted on Q&A platform Zhihu.com on May 19, focuses on the issue of losing the desire to share one’s passions with each other after getting married.

The post was reshared on Weibo on May 27 by a popular blogger (@我的前任是极品, 16M fans), after which it went viral. Over 37,000 people commented on the post and more than 450,000 users liked it.

The post describes the life of a woman who used to live a happy life in Shanghai but who now, married with a child, feels she cannot share her memories and feelings with her husband, who keeps shutting her down. She feels her married life is like “living in a cage.”

A hashtag page relating to the post (#婚后分享欲丧失的瞬间#) received over 490 million views on Friday, making it one of the most-discussed Weibo topics of the day.

Over the past weeks, there have been many trending topics related to marriage and married life in China. Earlier in May, the annual China Beautiful Life Survey, conducted by the National Bureau of Statistics, revealed that 19.7% of married women in China regret getting married.

That topic also sparked discussions on married life and dissatisfaction among women, with many commenters indicating that they thought the actual number of unhappily married women might actually be much higher than 19.7%.

The dissatisfaction with marriage relates to many different issues. The problem of domestic violence has received much more attention in China recently. The issue of women feeling pressured to get married also sparked many discussions throughout the years. The clash between traditional ideas about married life, including the division of household responsibilities, and the ambitions and aspirations of modern-day women in China keeps coming back in day-to-day discussions.

The post that went viral is (loosely) translated below:

Before I met him, I was in Shanghai, going out for food and drinks every weekend, hiking and camping in the mountains with my buddies, and going to my colleagues’ house for mahjong and hotpot games. I spent all of my money every month and also used installments for my credit card. But I was also working hard, I was the best performer in a team of about ten people. I was doing well for myself but I was also a bit of a ‘happy-go-lucky.’

After I met him, I left Shanghai to go to Guangzhou, because we had more prospects of settling down there and buying a house. We’ve been in Guangzhou for four years now. We got married and have a child. On the weekends, we never get together with friends. Actually, we don’t really have friends. He doesn’t like to go out for walks and I feel too lazy to move anyway. Before we had our baby, we would watch movies on the weekends and have dinner together, but now basically everything revolves around our child. Of course, since we’ve been leading this life we’ve been able to save money, even though my wages aren’t high, and we have a strong sense of security.

But as the days go by, I feel more and more suffocated. I will give you an example, I hope you’ll understand.

A while ago I went back to Shanghai to take care of something. I was finished at 9 pm that evening and felt good, so I rode a bike to go back to the bar, and I wanted to see the place where I had lived. I had lived in Shanghai for three years, and I felt deeply about it – I loved this city. Especially the area of Xujiahui, where I had lived, and where the streets were quiet and the houses were pretty.

When I bring back the memories of my old life, my heart feels a bit heavy, but I can’t share that with him, because I don’t think he would like to hear about it.

After I returned from the bar, I told him about the job interview I had in a video call. HR had told me they would discuss wages with me the next day. He immediately started to lecture me on how to talk to them. It would be ok if it was just that, but in his tone of voice, I sensed he questioned my capabilities as if I didn’t understand anything. This manner of speaking will come up on a daily basis, but on this day it particularly got to me. I just said: “Could you mind your tone and consider my feelings? I was just riding my bicycle and feeling good, but I can’t share that with you because I know you don’t want to talk about that.” He immediately responded: “Don’t tell me about it, I definitely don’t want to chat about it with you. I don’t approve of your Shanghai life values at all, I don’t want to hear about your life there.”

I felt hurt. I remember how he shared pictures taken at his old school with me before and how I showed interest and brought back memories together with him. Even now I could imagine him not wanting to share more with me, but I can’t phantom him being so determined not to discuss this.

This all left a bad taste in my mouth and made me despair about my life afterward. How the person that matters most to me did not show any care or longing for me while I was away by myself, just wanting to shut you up and not talk about those useless things. Who can I share my happiness with? Who could I confide in and share my longing? Who could take my loneliness away? You are happily married, but have you ever thought that there are women out there who are treated like this by their husbands and that these husbands even think their wives should be grateful for finding a wise husband like him? I can’t really analyze it too much. I don’t know if I made myself clear. I just hope someone will understand.

Perhaps a lot of people are stuck dealing with marital infidelity, domestic violence, or poverty, and you may find this kind of sentimental nonsense of mine very boring, but I would like to say; is this not some kind of psychological domestic violence? When at any time and anywhere you are degraded by your partner, your needs are always rudely rejected, and you’re always afraid of being lectured and blamed for everything you do -isn’t that hard to bear?

Some of you may question if there’s something I did wrong, or if I perhaps really am incapable. I think I can still objectively evaluate myself: I have an annual salary of 150K [$23,500] (the other day of negotiating salary with the company we talked about an annual salary of 240K, and by the way, his annual salary is over 400K [$62,700]), I show filial respect to my parents, I’m especially good to my in-laws – I gave birth to the son the whole family wanted (let’s not mention the preference for boys), we have no house and no car (we’re planning to buy a house). I don’t like luxury goods. The most expensive bag I have is 780 [$122]. I do not wear makeup. My skincare products are of Curél rank. My most expensive shoes aren’t more expensive than 600 [$94]. Since I’m with him, I’ve only gone on two three-day trips in the area. Usually, I pay for most of the meals and movies (he pays for the water and electricity), Starbucks is overpriced, but we often have Luckin coffee. In general, I’m a level-headed – not overly materialistic and certainly not stingy – mentally healthy woman who is longing for a happy life.

Before getting married, I was looking forward to married life. Maybe my parents were too happy. After marriage, I feel like I’m living in a cage for 80% of the time. I can’t escape from it, and even if I could escape, I don’t know where to go.

The hard part about marriage is not that you are not married to a good man, but that you are married to a man who everyone thinks is a good man, but who is not good to you at all and does not even want to be good to you.

 

One of the main reasons the post went viral on Friday is because the anonymous blogger’s story resonated with many Weibo users.

“I feel this could have been me,” one person said: “Before, if there was something, he would be the first person I’d share it with, but not anymore. Because now I think he wouldn’t like it, or even dislike it, or not show interest at all. Over time, I’ve stopped sharing my feelings with him, regardless of whether I’m happy or unhappy.”

One commenter wrote: “When men get married it’s fine as long as they go to work, there is no big difference from being single. Yet when women get married they also need to work, and to give birth and look after the baby, do housework, serve the in-laws – it’s just not about losing the desire to share one’s passion, it’s about there simply being no time to share!”

Others also comment that sometimes too much information is shared between their partner and them: “He even lets me know how many times he went to the toilet!”

Although many people understand the original poster’s situation or even recognize themselves in her, there are also those who do not understand why she doesn’t get divorced. “This is not about losing a passion to share, this is about no longer loving someone,” some say: “If you can’t even talk about things that make you happy anymore, it’s the beginning of the end.”

 

By Manya Koetse

Featured image by JJ Ying on Unsplash

Spotted a mistake or want to add something? Please let us know in comments below or email us. First-time commenters, please be patient – we will have to manually approve your comment before it appears.

©2021 Whatsonweibo. All rights reserved. Do not reproduce our content without permission – you can contact us at info@whatsonweibo.com.

Manya Koetse is the founder and editor-in-chief of whatsonweibo.com. She is a writer, public speaker, and researcher (Sinologist, MPhil) on social trends, digital developments, and new media in an ever-changing China, with a focus on Chinese society, pop culture, and gender issues. She shares her love for hotpot on hotpotambassador.com. Contact at manya@whatsonweibo.com, or follow on Twitter.

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China Insight

Press Conference on Chinese Student’s Death: Hu Xinyu Left Message on Voice Recorder

These are the most important details shared during the 2.2.23 press conference on the disappearance and death of Hu Xinyu.

Manya Koetse

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The disappearance and death of the Chinese 15-year-old Hu Xinyu has become one of the biggest topics on Chinese social media recently, with dozens of hashtags related to the story receiving millions – sometimes even billions – of views.

Hu Xinyu went missing from school on Oct. 14, 2022. The boy’s whereabouts were a mystery for 106 days, during which family, friends, police, and dedicated search teams searched for the student all across the Yanshan County region in Jiangxi Province and beyond.

On Jan 28., 2023, Hu’s remains were found by a local guard on the premises of a grain warehouse not far from the school. For a full timeline of Hu’s disappearance and the details surrounding his death, see our previous article here.

A voice recorder was also found near Hu’s remains, but the data on the small 4GB recorder initially seemed to be unretrievable, and it was sent back to the manufacturer for analysis.

On the morning of Feb. 2, 2023, local authorities and the dedicated task force organized a live-broadcasted press conference on the case and the latest findings.

The most important pieces of information provided in the press conference on February 2nd are as follows:

◼︎ Hu Xinyu’s death has been ruled a suicide by hanging. Hu used shoelaces, which were removed from the shoes found near Hu’s remains.

◼︎ As previously reported, Hu was found at a nearby grain warehouse. It has now been clarified that the area where Hu’s remains were found is a grain reserve depot area. The grain reserve depot area is prohibited to enter and is guarded 24/7. It is a very large plot of land that includes a zone (over 8000 square meters) with twenty buildings on it – including warehouses and living quarters, – and a forest area of approximately 9300 square meters. Although the area is encircled by a wall, some parts of the wall are lower due to uneven ground. Hu’s body was found in the wooded area, hanging from a tree near the wall, close to one of the spots where the wall height was significantly lower.

School area (top circle) and the grain reserve depot area (lower circle).

◼︎ The location where Hu’s remains were found is just 226 meters away from the Zhiyuan Middle School and it had been searched before, not only through the use of thermal drones, but also by search teams on four different occasions in October and November of 2022. Although all the buildings in the area were searched along with other parts of the zone, the specific wooded area where Hu was later found was not searched. There were also no clues that led search teams to believe Hu Xinyu had walked a specific route through dense vegetation surrounding the grain depot area.

People’s Daily released a 3D video visualising the situation in the area where Hu’s remains were found. Due to uneven ground / piled-up mud, the high wall is relatively easy to jump over from outside. Inside the wall (which is on the grain reserve depot grounds) there is a wooded area.

Hu Xinyu’s body was found hanging from a tree at the interior of the wall, in a place that was not clearly visible.

◼︎ The voice recorder plays a major role in this case. It was previously known that Hu Xinyu had purchased a voice recorder and that it could not be located after Hu Xinyu went missing. Although earlier reports stated that the data on the recorder could not be retrieved as the device had been exposed to sun, rain, moist, etc., it has now been announced that the audio files have been retrieved and that Hu Xinyu recorded two messages on Oct. 14, 2022, at 17:40 and 23:08, in which he expressed the will to commit suicide.

◼︎ The involved experts in this case have also concluded that through analysis and based on Hu’s own notes and other evidence, the 15-year-old boy was struggling with his mental health and emotional disorders related to loneliness, insecurity, and lack of communication. Hu also experienced additional stress when he was getting lower grades, and he suffered from insomnia, difficulty concentrating, abnormal eating patterns, and an overall sense of hopelessness.

During the press conference, reporters were allowed to ask questions related to the case. In response to a question related to the many rumors the Hu Xinyu case has attracted over the past months, one official declared that at least two persons have been arrested for fabricating videos and purposely spreading false rumors about the case.

After Thursday’s press conference, it has once again become clear just how big the social media attention is for this case. The hashtag “Content of Hu Xinyu Voice Recorder” (#胡鑫宇录音笔内容#) received over 390 million views on Weibo; the hashtag “Hu Xinyu Expressed Will to Commit Suicide on Voice Recorder” (#胡鑫宇录音笔中音频表达自杀意愿#) received over 640 million views; the hashtag “Hu Xinyu Died due to Self-Hanging” (#胡鑫宇系自缢死亡#) received over 950 million views.

Among the many responses, there are those who argue that schools should offer more channels to provide support to students dealing with mental health issues. Others hope that Hu Xinyu can now finally rest in peace.

 
For information and support on mental health and suicide, international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 

By Manya Koetse 

 

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Spotted a mistake or want to add something? Please let us know in comments below or email us. First-time commenters, please be patient – we will have to manually approve your comment before it appears.

©2023 Whatsonweibo. All rights reserved. Do not reproduce our content without permission – you can contact us at info@whatsonweibo.com.

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China Insight

What Happened to Hu Xinyu? Disappearance and Death of 15-Year-Old Student Attracts Widespread Attention in China

Although Hu Xinyu’s school had 119 cameras, his disappearance remained a mystery for 106 days. Near Hu’s remains, a voice recorder was found.

Manya Koetse

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After 106 days of searching, Hu Xinyu’s parents now know their son has passed away. The student’s remains were found at a grain warehouse near his school, but questions still linger on what happened to the 15-year-old and why it took so long to find him.

The case of a Chinese 15-year-old student named Hu Xinyu (胡鑫宇) has been trending on Chinese social media over the past few days. Ever since October of 2022, Hu Xinyu’s case has been a much-discussed topic.

The young man from Jiangxi was missing for 106 days before his body was discovered, leaving many unanswered questions surrounding his death and why search teams were unable to find Hu in the months before.

One of the reasons why Hu Xinyu’s disappearance has been attracting widespread attention is because many people believe there are some details or occurrences surrounding Hu’s case that are purposely being hidden or not revealed to the public.

 
Hu Goes Missing: A Timeline

The story begins on Oct. 14, 2022, when Hu Xinyu, a student at the Zhiyuan Middle School (致远中学), first went missing in Yanshan County, Shangrao City. The Zhiyuan Middle School is a private school where students live in the dorms, only going home to their families on days off. Hu allegedly had good grades as a student at Zhiyuan.

The incident attracted attention due to the peculiar circumstances surrounding it. It was first reported that security cameras allegedly had not recorded the student leaving the school’s premises and that Hu’s family suspected that the security camera system had been tampered with. The school reportedly has a total of 119 cameras installed on its premises.

Later reports claimed that security cameras did in fact capture how Hu left the dorms at 17:51 that day, but there was no footage of him actually leaving the school premises.

On Oct. 15, after unsuccessful attempts by friends and family to locate Hu Xinyu, he was reported as a missing person at the local police office.

On Nov. 20, when Hu had already been missing for over a month, local authorities set up a joint task force to try and speed up efforts to find Hu and further investigate his disappearance. Hu’s social media and bank accounts reportedly had zero activity since he went missing.

On Nov. 22, 2022, Chinese media reported that rescue and search teams still had not found a single clue about where Hu might be. Meanwhile, his parents were gradually losing hope of finding their son back alive.

Missing person posters for Hu Xinyu (via 163.com).

On Nov. 29, 2022, 46 days since Hu went missing, a chemistry teacher by the name of Wang was called in for questioning but he was later released. Weeks later, on Jan. 1, the police informed Hu’s relatives that – despite rumors – they ruled out the possibility of school staff being involved in Hu’s disappearance.

On Dec. 25, 2022, Hu Xinyu’s mother shared some more information via social media about some contents in her son’s old notebooks, in which Hu allegedly had noted how he felt that it was not easy for him to adapt to his living environment at the school and that he felt hindered by his introvert personality. These contents were later deleted again.

After Jan. 7, 2023, the search for Hu continued, including teams with search dogs, and thousands of people volunteered to join.

On Jan. 28, 2023, a body was found hanging near the woods in the Jinji mountain area in the town of Hekou. A voice recorder was also found at the scene.

The body was reportedly found by a local guard who was near the premises with his dog to look for a chicken that had wandered off. The dog started barking at something, and the guard then discovered the remains, which were not immediately clearly visible.

One day later, on Jan. 29, Chinese media reported that DNA research confirmed that the remains belonged to Hu Xinyu. He was wearing his school uniform when his remains were found. Hu’s parents decided to have a post-mortem examination of the body to determine the cause of death. The voice recorder found near Hu’s body was sent for analysis.

The hashtag “Hu Xinyu’s Remains Found” (#胡鑫宇遗体被发现#) was viewed over two billion times on Weibo.

 
The Latest Details Surrounding Hu Xinyu’s Death

Chinese news outlet The Paper reported that the location where Hu’s remains were discovered is a large grain warehouse area just about 300 meters or a 5-minute walk southeast of the Zhiyuan Middle School.

According to a spokesperson of the search & rescue team, the area where Hu was found had been previously included in search efforts (#搜救队曾去胡鑫宇被发现地周围搜寻#).

The biggest questions that remain and that are asked by so many on Chinese social media are: how is it possible that search teams previously did not find Hu if this is where he was all along? Is the place where Hu was found a crime scene or not? How is it possible that security cameras did not capture Hu beyond the dorms?

Some details that surfaced over the past few days provide further information on the case.

On Jan. 31, Chinese media reported that one of Hu’s teachers had discovered something written down by Hu Xinyu on the last page of his notebook: “What would it be like if I’m not longer here?” (#胡鑫宇曾写如果我不活了将会变得怎么样#).

It has also become known that Hu Xinyu purchased the voice recorder that was found with his remains. He purchased the 4GB-capacity recorder on October 4, 2022.

At the time of writing, the data on the recorder was not able to be retrieved (#胡鑫宇购买录音笔数据删除后无法恢复#). A recording device such as the one found near Hu’s body might become damaged due very low or high temperatures or by moist and liquid (#胡鑫宇录音笔已送深圳检测#).

A recording device that allegedly is similar to the one found near Hu Xinyu.

If the original manufacturer would be able to get the data on the recorder, Hu’s relatives finally might get some of the answers they have been waiting for for so long.

According to Hu Xinyu’s father, search and rescue staff previously had in fact been inside the grain warehouse premises, but apparently did not come to the exact location within the warehouse area where Hu was later found (#胡鑫宇父亲称未到达遗体发现点#).

On February 2nd, 2023, a press conference on the latest developments is planned to take place in Yanshan county in Shangrao at 10:00 AM. (Update: read about the press conference here).

 
Societal Distrust, Armchair Detectives, and Social Media

There are multiple reasons why the Hu Xinyu case is attracting such wide attention, and in some ways, the case is similar to the 2021 ‘Chengdu 49 Middle School Incident.’

At the time, the death of 16-year-old Lin Weiqi (林唯麒) also attracted nationwide attention and led to a wave of online rumors and theories on what might have happened to him.

Although Lin never went missing – he fell to his death from the school building, – there was also online speculation about corporal punishment and abuse taking place in the school, with one theory suggesting Lin had been hurt by a chemistry teacher. Just as in the Hu Xinyu case, netizens speculated that the school was trying to cover up the incident.

According to a joint statement later issued by the local propaganda department, police, and the Education Bureau said that they had come to the conclusion that the student had taken his own life due to personal problems.

The Lin Weiqi story sparked concerns at a time when security cameras had become a part of everyday lives. The fact that there were blind spots in the surveillance footage and that cameras never captured how and if Lin actually took his own life triggered doubts among Lin’s relatives and netizens alike.

The case surrounding Lin’s death also attracted nationwide attention in May of 2021.

Many reasoned that since there are security cameras all over the school, there must be a cover-up going on if the incident was not captured on camera. A similar thing happened in the case of the Tangshan BBQ Restaurant Incident in which female customers were assaulted and beaten by a group of men. Although the beating incident was captured by security cameras, the last part of the incident occurred at a nearby alley and was not captured by the outdoor security cameras. This led to a lot of speculation on what happened there and if local government officials were covering something up.

Another factor that plays a role is that there have actually been stories about schools or other institutes covering up scandals in recent years, such as in the RYB Education incident of 2017 that shocked the nation and did not help in improving trust in educational institutes.

Social media also plays an important role in how and why the Hu Xinyu case received so much attention. For some online communities of armchair detectives, identifying suspects and uncovering clues becomes like solving a puzzle, while following the latest details in these high-profile cases also becomes like a form of infotainment for others – comparable to the online sleuthing and major attention for the case of Gabby Petito in the U.S.

Furthermore, those who are closely related to the case also use social media to attract more attention. In Hu Xinyu’s case, his family members personally turned to social media and media reporters to ask for help or update with information. This also makes social media users more involved since they get the feeling they know the family, and sympathize with them. Very different from just reading a headline in the local newspaper, social media users feel involved and get involved.

For now, many social media users would like to see some clarity in this case and a conclusion so that Hu’s family can finally get some of their questions answered.

While many think it is highly likely that local authorities will soon come out with a statement that Hu committed suicide, others think there might still be other outcomes.

“It’s lasted long enough now,” some Weibo commenters write: “What is most important now is to finally know the truth.”

READ UPDATE TO THIS STORY HERE.

By Manya Koetse 

with contributions by Miranda Barnes

 

Get the story behind the hashtag. Subscribe to What’s on Weibo here to receive our newsletter and get access to our latest articles:

 
For information and support on mental health and suicide, international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 

Spotted a mistake or want to add something? Please let us know in comments below or email us. First-time commenters, please be patient – we will have to manually approve your comment before it appears.

©2023 Whatsonweibo. All rights reserved. Do not reproduce our content without permission – you can contact us at info@whatsonweibo.com.

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